Enlightenment and Nachos

I was awake. Long before the sky lightened. I had laid there. And watched this sliver of light through a window of the room play against the wall and where, for most of them evening. The strongest light available was the street light.

 It was explained to me that it was respectful to people in the house who were maybe not as young as I was to wait until the sunlight was stronger than the street light before you got out of the room. I had tried and would do -on several occasions after this- to get up long before that happened and just not leave the room. But at this young age, I was under the impression that this meant, ‘Don’t get out of bed until the sun is up, Please.’

 That made sense. It was also the same year that Lion King came out, So every kid who had gone to the movie theater got that message:

‘Please. Stay in bed until after the sun is up.’

 For many of us who don’t usually have that option. We take this moment for caffeine. Through which all things are possible. You can mock me in whatever way you want to; either the creamer has sugar, Or you do. Am I right?

 Still, this was a rectangle on the end of a trailer that my grandparents had retired into in a little city called Onalaska and a little gated community that still has a guard to this day. You can’t just wander into it is filled with a considerable portion of retirees. I also remember being the odd one for being so tanned, and being told to maybe not spell my name so much and To maybe don’t tell everybody that you’re not ‘All white.’ Not everyone needs to know everything; that ‘you should save some information.’

There’s this hue that light takes on that buttery-syrupy, golden-milk-thing that it does in the morning where it crashes against some the sides of trees and pours in between all the little nooks and crannies trying to squeeze the shadow out every morning, which is a really neat trick for a ball of fire 92 million miles away. By any means.

I had, on this day made all of their arrangements in advance so that as soon as the sun was up high enough that that was sunlight instead of street light or the street light went out first, I could go outside and see the sunrise.

 On this day. I had been up since, according to the clock, like 4:30. And I had laid there, staring at that parallelogram of light; trying not to dream. Trying not to fall back asleep… I failed several times.

Having dreams at a time in the morning when your cortisol is at its highest It’s always been an impressive feat to me. Anyone who can sleep through 04:30 in the morning with or without an alarm is a hero in my eyes. They’ve hopefully just had a better life than me. If so, Congrats! If it’s because of some horrible reason, like depression or pain or suffering. I’m sorry. Good luck. You wanna talk about it?

As soon as the light changed. I was out of bed. Going for clothes that I had already laid out in their draws. Getting dressed in the fastest order was only interrupted by constantly putting articles of clothing on the wrong way front or inside out.

 Tip toed my way out the front door. It was closed. Nice. I didn’t even look to see if my grandfather was already up. I didn’t even check the time before I left the room, lol!

 I just know that I woke up at 4:30, waited for the light to change, and sprinted out the door as I was dressed correctly and comfortably. As I stood there on the porch, I could see everything, but it was all this really pretty shade of deep blue.

I was just panting. Horribly.

 I turn to my right. And sitting on the porch on the top step, his feet a couple steps down. Take a big drag of a cigarette. I watch the ember light up, and he watches my eyes. The light makes them look like rockets on a space shuttle.

My eyes go to his, and as soon as they do, he holds his breath for what was clearly several thousands of beats of mine.

 A long, slow, measured inhale through his nose with his mouth closed tight. This was not a quick breath. It was a slow, measured, well-practiced thing. I could feel my heart racing against my lungs. Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.

 I felt like I was going to pop like a balloon; either he realized I had not yet taken a breath for as long as he had with much smaller lungs and was impressed… or concerned and stopped. Breathing out at a slow measure pace that spanned several more heartbeats. My heart races. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. He smiled as I almost whistled between the gap in my front teeth, trying to blow slowly like him, and was amazed to see the smoke pouring from my lips as well. My breath cooled as it hit the crisp air. It looked like smoke, which was when that voice in the back of my brain kicked in and said it’s cold… and you wore shorts. While the rest of my body was late, thought we should probably do something about that was concerned about my heart still racing. Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.

We took a few measured breaths before I could open my mouth long enough to form the words in my mind to ask… had I missed it? Before my mouth formed, the ‘did?’ He shook his head and grinned like a Cheshire cat with a secret and took a few more slow breaths. Slowly through his nose. Exhaled through his mouth. And I kept mimicking him.

 My brain was trying to put together why I could see everything. If the sun wasn’t up. Because I wasn’t allowed to go outside because it was dark. But I could see everything. So, obviously, somebody was lying to me. The question was about what?

I felt my heart come under control. I felt my breathing less, requiring my focus. I found a natural rhythm that was useful but conscious, you know? I’d use my diaphragm for breathing, He had put his hand over his stomach and showed me it was like filling your belly.

Don’t fill your chest. You’re not a gorilla anymore. Diaphragmatic breathing gives you control. Over a lot of the processes in your body. Your nervous uses the breath as a major indicator of stress and appropriate emotional responses. The lion learned to hunt man at a time when fear was potentially not required, but that lizard brain kept the thinking meat alive longer if it planned for the worst. All of this is ruined if you allow the ridiculous futility of existence to crush your spirit. When this feels like a possibility in a crisis and most people do not know what to do, I always remember to breathe. This is all something I would learn decades later in therapy after his death. But he taught a child to breathe. By choice. And that’s important. In a universe that regularly takes your breath away.

He gave me the directions. I repeated them back to him. I made every attempt to do precisely as he said, I was only off by a few feet. He showed me precisely where to stand, which direction I would need to look, and told me how much time I had left and how early I was.

 I refused. Breakfast. I did not take coffee. (For what would be the last time?)

 From that location in that particular city and on that particular street, I turned at the end of the driveway to my left and looked down the road. That went over a hill out of sight. But you could still see the tops of the pine trees about a mile away. On the other side of that tops. And the tops of those trees. I knew was a Tulane highway with plenty of. I cleared the path on both sides for at least. Another two lanes. And a lot more forest. This was East Texas. This is where the pine trees just go on for used to go on for days. I knew the distance to the pine trees. Whom I could see the tops off. I knew where the bottom was common sense, and I observed the shadows through the day of not the first but second hill between these two points, positioning myself in the valley of the second hill and the end of his driveway by sheer serendipity.

 I was gonna count from when the sun’s orb cleared the top of the trees to when the shadow disappeared on the hill in front of me. I would know how long it took for that light to be lit. To finally hit at that angle on that hill. And I would know. Whether it was a short time to be closer or the earth was flat, the next valley would already be filled with light. And if it took too long, it was because it was already going over another hill way out of my sight; I should be able to climb up the hill and see the light filling the next valley… from a rather long way away.

 Humans lack perspective. If they don’t learn any sense of perspective, they will take the smallest defensible perspective they can manage, usually themselves.

Mores the pity.

 In my belief and experience, anxiety has always been a fear of the unknown. The easiest way to combat that is to gain information, skills, and experience.

 In this singular truth, the utility of practice and training should be cultivated and motivated by all humans’ self-interests and normally compassionate nature. A mindset that cherishes resiliency over perfection gives more room for grace, patience, and compassion.

Such things are possible. They simply require an impressive amount of effort to remain aware of us honestly and always if you have a fear of a situation rather than run from it. Find out what it is you don’t know. That makes you afraid of that situation so that you can learn that skill. Practice remaining curious rather than contemptuous. It will give you something to focus on.

[ And if you’ve made it this far, it’s because you either understand where I’m coming from, or I’ve at least figured out how to write something narratively engaging. Either way, good luck to me!

Past you says good luck. Future you says; See you soon. ]

I got to watch the sunrise. Do that neat trick with the light. I also watched that shadow do that nifty trick where it tries hard to find a place to hide before it runs out of room. But the interesting thing is that it doesn’t matter how much light you pour over something. Darkness always finds a place to hide. And the second it has gone, it unfolds from all over the place; you can’t see to fill up the space again as if it was always there.

 Technically, this is true. It’s the sun that keeps that away. There’s a reason why people used to pray to it. ‘I hope it comes back.’ Now, you’ve got so many modern conveniences to distract you from the fact that the day is 24 hours long, which is a long time to try to be bored or sad. I can’t make it through a meal without a change in my mood. But that’s me, obviously.

 I don’t remember what the measurement came out to, and telling you with the information I already have might give away too much of a pinpoint for some people. The point is that atomic furnace is a long way away and we are very small.

Humans lack a sense of perspective, and without that can make very small problems seem particularly large.

Any burden tackled alone seems heavy. That’s why we are stronger together.

DON’T PANIC!

Deep Breaths.

Stay safe, and Have Fun.