Enlightenment and Nachos

Deep slow inhale. Through your nose, nice and steady. Think of your belly like a balloon. Yes, your lungs are in your chest; that is the automatic part. It is the diaphragm you lose control over when you aren’t paying attention. Focusing on it is a fantastic way to make sure you are awake. Its not a race take your time. Learn to feel what a full breath feels like. For many people reading this it may be difficult to do so; only if that is because they believe the previous use of the word ‘full’ is meant to compare you to anyone other than yourself yesterday, or for any other reason the to articulate gratitude.
Try again. It takes a lot of practice to manually breathe. Far off on distant once-snowy peaks monks spend lifetimes mastering the art or sitting very still for a long time and not wiggling about to learn what its like to hold more than one thought in their head at the same time without getting distracted and disassociating. Quite a lot of money ( An imaginary currency used before human realized it was the only planet and paying to survive their didn’t make sense any longer) is spent on making it harder to learn this without incredible amounts of isolation and focus. This is because the point of advertising is not to impress or explain, but to sell you a version of your tomorrow you can not live without; and letting everyone get over their ability to get scared in the first place makes most advertisements incredibly impressive, albeit- for entirely the wrong reasons.

You would assume with all my experience with DEATH I would have little trouble burying my past. But how do you do that when you were so close to finding a version of yourself you could admit to loving out loud and not feel like you don’t deserve to feel joy ever again.

All of these are assumptions. I do not know how she feels.
For all I know she is happier that she has been in over a decade, perhaps she is finally free to become the person I prevented her from evolving into. We met when I got in her way, maybe it just took me 17 years to finally get out of the way. I just hope she is safe and happy.

I am not the easiest person to live with in my best mental states, and they survived some of my darkest moments. Am I longing for them or the safety they provided me? Is that safety worth their happines? Would that compromise be worth all I would have to reject or hide about myself? Could I say I knew then that it would of ended any better? That there no kinder way to let her go? That it was then or after she hated me like my mother did my father? That there was no other alternative? Was tweleve seconds long enough to consider all these and a thousand other questions?
All of these answers are:

“No.”

I am hoping to use this time to figure out how to continue a life I had no intention of continuing before I met her partly because of the impact they had on me- but mostly becasue of all the progress I have made and how close I was to really healing, and now I am scrambling to motivate myself to keep going. that my dreams actually are possible. That I can despite the evidence, do this! One the plus side its not so hard when there is no one there to point out all the ways you probably couldn’t.
My trick it to keep giving myself something to look forward to, becasue life is too short not to eat desert first at least once. As anyone who has hugged me can tell you, I enjoy my desert as often as possible, but that nothing would leave to continue willingly hurting someone I care that much about. Hurt or not, now or forever, deep breaths. I will keep going.
Stay safe, have fun, take care of yourself, look out for each other. I will see you tomorrow.